A few posts ago I admitted that One More Year Syndrome had caught a hold of me. I outline many good reasons why.

But…

Today was supposed to be the day. One year ago, I wanted today to be a different day—the first day I didn’t go to work

Today I feel like a loser. Like I don’t have it all together, and that I’ve somehow failed.

I would have given my notice, declared I was FIRE, and turned the page to start writing the next chapter. Today was suppose to to be day 1

I gave myself permission a couple of months back to step back from the original plan. With Padme’s struggles, I needed to keep working to help get her to her end. Her potential timeline is sooner than I had originally thought by about two years. The new plan is the right plan, but I feel like I took the path most traveled, the easy way out. It feels like an excuse that was just sitting there for me to grab.

On top of that, Padme is busting her ass at work, going from taking time off for burnout right back into the blast furnace. It makes any of my own work issues seem petty.

The answer to what I should have done is likely somewhere in the middle. I could have left, or I could have stayed—both paths would still be justified. But over the last few days, the dark side has taken over. I feel crappy about it. I feel like I should be doing more with my life, that I am better than this—regardless of what “this” is—and that I am failing myself.

My job is a pain in the ass. It has exactly zero pull on me outside of the pay stub that arrives every two weeks. I am starting to dislike my new Empress. She is new at the VP level and is trying to check all the typical VP boxes instead of doing what’s right for the business.

In reality, I should expect my boss to act the way she is. It’s not her. It’s me. I know that, and I will try to cut her some slack.

Working a job you care zero about, under a VP playing corporate bingo, feels like a slow drain on my soul. When you’re ready to leave, the job stops feeling like a career and starts feeling like a prison sentence I  volunteered for.

It is made worse knowing that the Nest Egg goal is within months of being done—at least the original goal. I’ve since added the next level of padding for a big spend year.

The market has swung to where my investments are starting to pull back a bit. Being conservative and risk-averse sucks at times. The market has gained roughly 11 percent year-to-date. If I was  in a full S&P index I  would have me running for the door. It would put me beyond the nest egg goal and leave me with enough for the big spending year ahead.

It makes me feel dumb at times. But the approach has saved me from potential downside. Preservation is my top goal, and goal accomplished. That doesn’t mean it feels good, even though I should feel better based on where I am today.

I’ve seen a bunch of old friends over the last 30 days as part of my goal to get more social. It was fun, but not life-changing. It takes work to rekindle old friendships into something more than a yearly event; you have to build new memories and be active in each other’s lives rather than just reliving days gone by. I’m also part of a weekly men’s golf league. It has potential, as there are some good guys in it, including a few early retirees.

Fitness has disappeared again. Summertime makes it tough to stay on track with all the social activities, which include too much beer and bad food. That’s likely a big reason I’m feeling down. I just haven’t made fitness a habit or a priority. It needs to move to number one on my list for a while so I can really get into it.

Twelve more months feels like a long time. It’s not, but it is. It feels like I’m delaying life, running away, and afraid to move on. It feels like failure.

T-0 should be a celebration. I’m in a better place than I was a year ago. I’ve started to make changes and dip my toe in the water of what’s next, but it feels too cold to jump in. It feels like I’m breaking my own promise. The logical side is doing the right thing, but the emotional side doesn’t care. Doing something just because it’s logical never feels better.

I see or read about all these people who always seem to know the right answer and can just do it. I feel like they have the confidence that I’m missing. I would like to see more of the struggle—sadly, because it would make me feel better about my own.

This too shall pass. With some Therapy. Or in about a year.  

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