Relationships are the currency of retirement. The more or deeper relationships you have in retirement, the richer you are.

Money can influence this part of your life, but only in smaller ways. It does not impact your skill at making friends—it just increases the surface area of opportunity by allowing you to try new things and meet new people.

So how do we build relationships? Looking back at life, they typically form on their own, without any effort, through shared experiences. There has been no muscle to flex, no intention—it just happened through osmosis. All it took was being in the same place at the same time with no agenda or thought. It just happened

First it’s university residence: “Hey, how you doing?” Then it’s roommates to reduce rent because both people need it, throwing you together. Later it’s being married with kids: “Us too, let’s do a play date.”

You move through life and, based on circumstance, you pick up a few friends while your situation is the same. Work is typically the largest one . The magic is staying friends when your shared circumstance changes.

For example, I have had 15 different roommates over my life. I am in regular contact with exactly zero of them. If I consider which of them I would call close friends at the time we lived together, I would say 9 were in my inner friend circle.

So what happens? Life does. All of those roommate situations were due to shared circumstances in my 20s and early 30s. They were brief—typically a year at a time. Due to school or changing jobs, people come and go. Because you are thrown together, you form a bond without trying; it makes it easier to live together. 

some of my easier to live with roommates

As soon as you separate or move apart the bond usually fades into the background. It takes intentional effort from both sides to keep it alive.  It doesn’t work if only one tries to keep it alive. You both need to want it. If you are successful in surviving the transition, they can become a key part of your social life later on. 

Circumstance builds opportunities for friendships: school, roommates, work, other couples with kids, and someday, retirement.

But it seems harder to meet people and become friends as you get older. Common circumstances with other people start drying up. No more play dates with other parents. Fewer work friends as you near the end of a career. Friends retire before you or naturally move to other careers and locations over time. Of those 15 former roommates, exactly one lives within easy driving distance.

Your chance for friends to occur purely due to circumstance seems to peak in your 20s and 30s, naturally decreasing with time.  I don’t know if Padme will want me to find new roommates for our house just so I can make friends.

So as you get older, knowing that relationships are the real currency to a successful retirement, you risk becoming poorer in life. It’s why many people delay retiring—they need work for the social connection. They are money rich, but relationship poor.

So what do we do about it? How do we get “rich” in retirement?

The key is to increase your regular encounters with people, hopefully in a similar stage and of life. Lets face it I am not going to hang out with people in their 30s when I am in my 50s. We have different needs.

It comes back to increasing the surface area through encounters with like-minded people. That is part of volunteering: finding people with a common bond for a cause you both believe in. Sports teams are a possibility, too—a little harder as most people slow down, but still options. No longer football or basketball, but now golf and pickleball. Joining a group only gets you into the room—it creates proximity, not connection. Proximity is just potential energy; you still have to convert it. 

Being together is not enough.

You need to find your inner extrovert, your inner cruise director. The person who not only reaches out, but organizes social events. You have to be the one to say, “Hey, let’s do coffee or a beer,” or “You cycle? Great, let’s plan a day to ride.” You have to be the one who opens up. Who shares. Surface level interaction will not work to get closer.

I have become more social as I get older in one-on-one circumstances, though not as much in crowds. I still gravitate toward being a wallflower, just like in high school. But that will not serve me here.

To get rich in this part of your life, it’s about people. It’s about putting yourself out there, taking control, and searching for new connections. And this part seems even harder then the money part.

What do you think? Want to get together for coffee?