One bad performance review away…..

In the spirit of being FI(ish) I did something today that I typically would not have.

My big big boss is in town with my boss.  He is the “Big Cheese” leading my whole global department.  My boss is reports into him and she is in charge of North America.  My boss is new and so far mainly manages up and sideways so I don’t have a relationship with her yet.  She seems so far to be like the unfortunate corporate types.

So my boss brings the Big Cheese into her department meeting. She wants to play the typical game showing that she knows her stuff. The dog and pony is to show she is leading her team and we are all one happy family. If you have been in one of these meetings its more meet and greet and be nice to each other. She had us go around the table and give the Big Cheese a point or two on our business.  But then she made a mistake.

She said this is your big chance to ask the Big Cheese and myself any question you want. Anything. This could be your one chance.

Now, I know the proper political etiquette in these meetings is never to ask anything hard, structural, or unscripted. But with my boss’s prompt and my FU super power, I figured I should buck up and do what someone in my soon(ish)-to-be-gone position should do.

My brain quickly pulled up the spreadsheet: Runway? Secure. FI math? Solid. Degree of exposure? Zero. But as the words left my mouth, my nervous system apparently didn’t get the memo from my portfolio

I posed a highly politic department structure question between him and ones of his peers.  Part of my team is on the chopping block to go to a different department. I am good friends with the high up in the other department so my boss likely is unaware of how much I know of the meetings she has been part of.

This is not the type of question I am supposed to ask.

But I did it.

And regardless of my FU position my sphincter still tightened. Regardless of knowing it has no impact on my short career my body still reacted like the scared rabbit who just saw a wolf.  My bank account knows I’m free, but my nervous system is still conditioned by 30 years of hardcoded survival instinct.

What did the Big Cheese say?

He blew it off.  Like he didn’t know about the topic whatsoever.  This same topic has been going on with my boss (es) for the last 3 years.  He pretended it didn’t exist. 

It’s the executive playbook in action. The lesson isn’t that the Big Cheese didn’t know, it’s that the political system demands absolute denial of anything outside the pre-approved script.

Now I knew I put him in a corner in front of a small crowd of senior people that report to him.  I kind of expected a pat answer that was all fluffy.  But I got nothing. He was being fake. I knew it and he knew that I knew it. At least he could have saw me after the meeting to give me some sort of tidbit. Or at least to give me crap. He just didn’t care.

And it made me feel worse.  Like the big foot is coming for me. My “fight or flight” override still turned even though the financial math says I’m untouchable. Unfortunately logic does not override emotional programming.

This feeling is one I won’t miss. 

People above me on the corporate ladder control secrets and they can lie to my face and do what they want with my career. People who can be decent, caring people outside of work can be complete asshats when they badge in to work for the day. Because that is how they get ahead. How they get rewarded by playing the game.

They ask for feedback or questions but there is always a hidden asterisk.  That ask is for something easy that shows how smart they are but allows me to look that I care and that I know there are rules of a game to follow. Nothing can be discussed that may make them look not in control.

This is what the power of FI is meant for. To just stop the politics. The fakeness.

This is what freedom actually means. It’s not just walking away from the desk. It’s walking away from ever having to pretend the theater is real, or letting an executive’s blank stare dictate my heart rate.

This game I will not miss

My Portfolio to Infinity and Beyond (one can dream)