Padme is going back to work.

In two weeks, she will start a gradual return to ease back into the insanity. The hope is that starting at three days a week will make the re-entry a little softer.

For those who have followed our story, thank you for your support. If you are new here, you can catch up on the backstory in my previous post (Choosing Life Over the Countdown: Padme Job Angst Part Deux)

Padme is scared about going back to work, and it is entirely understandable. Burnout is years in the making; you don’t fully recover from it with just a couple of months off. It is incredibly tough to watch someone so strong struggle with anxiety. The hardest part? There is absolutely nothing I can do to help. This is her fight. She must slay this dragon or contain this demon herself. I can cheer her on from the sidelines, but that is the extent of my power.

If we were twelve months down the road, where she could immediately walk away, she would. But she needs one more year to access her pension. If she were just one year older, I would be telling her to retire tomorrow.

Instead, I feel like an ass for asking her to gut it out. I am banking on the hope that a few months off gave her enough of a baseline to handle it. Deep down, I think the longer you stay away, the harder it is to go back.

But where does that leave Vader’s retirement? The original countdown clock had me leaving the Death Star in just two months.

Yeah… about that.

My launchpad, like Blue Origin’s latest test, doesn’t look so good. Both exploded lately. I have officially reset my countdown clock. It is jumping from two months back up to thirteen months.

I am staying at work until Padme hits her key date. It is the right thing to do for our family, and I wouldn’t feel right walking away from a low-stress job while she fights through a high-stress one. If the wheels fall off and she has to leave before her year is up, my continued employment gives us the financial flexibility to figure out our next move.

But it forces an honest question: If Padme weren’t having issues at work, was I actually ready to leave?

I don’t really know. Financially, the answer is a clear yes. But mentally? There is no easy answer. Part of me was ready—specifically the “running from” side of the equation. But the “retiring to” side is still resisting. Looking back at my writing over the last eight months, I can see some positive steps, but I have to admit I am not as mentally prepared as I thought I would be.

So, schedule more fence-riding until Padme can escape, too.

The View from the Dark Side

Surprise, surprise: I’m down today. My happiness factor is sitting at a 4, and I can see a clear path to a 3

It feels like something is slipping through my fingers like water, and I can’t close my fist tight enough to stop it. Because a part of me desperately wanted to retire, knowing I have another full year on the clock has allowed the Dark Side to arrive right on schedule.

This is the complexity of the human brain. If you let your thoughts wander even a little, they can get away from you. Even though I know I am doing the right thing for my family, the little kid inside me is having a massive tantrum.

need….cookies…

Today, thirteen months feels like forever. It feels like a cop-out. I have already pulled back so much at work that making it another year means I will actually need to re-engage. I have to find a way to step up—both for my own sanity to make the time move faster, and to ensure I am adding enough value to justify staying an extra year-plus.

So, with my next One More Year (OMY) officially scheduled, let’s run through the countdown checklist to see where the ship stands.

The Countdown Checklist

Spouse / Mission Control (Grade: B) With Padme being off and dealing with the anxiety of returning, this one is hard to judge. We are on the same page, but it feels like we are reading from a different book . Adjustment: I may consider dropping to a 4-day workweek if her transition goes well.

Physical Fitness / Engines (Grade: B) Averaging about three days a week at the gym. I can’t say I am enjoying it, but I don’t hate it either. On the plus side, I have upgraded my breakfast setup to be much healthier (oatmeal, Greek yogurt, and berries). It feels like a solid step in the right direction.

Hobbies: Writing (Grade: B) I wrote less over the last month or two to leave room for other activities, but I found myself missing the regular routine. I will likely ramp this back up. I’ve been reading more blogs and commenting more, trying to add value and thought to the community.

Hobbies: Anything Else (Grade: F) No change. Still need to find that elusive “second thing.”

Social Life (Grade: C) We talked about starting a regular “Vader Game Night” with friends. I made a half-hearted attempt, it fizzled, and it didn’t happen. I’ve been a homebody by design this month. On the positive side, it meant spending more quality time with Padme.

Health (Grade: B) I still haven’t started physiotherapy on my knee. Now that vacation is over, I need to actually book the appointment and get this sorted.

Unplugging / Stopping the Social Media Habit (Grade: F) I finally finished a book, which is a win, but I need way more of that. I am still falling down random internet rabbit holes for no good reason—though I have to say, the internet has felt exceptionally boring lately.

Proactive Plans with the JEDIs (Grade: C) We hit the gym once a week, but it hasn’t exactly led to what I would call “quality one-on-one connection.”

Connecting with a Tribe (Grade: C) Nothing to report here. In fact, we went a bit into reverse this month due to my homebody tendencies.

Money (Grade: C) The plan is to realign the Vader Nest Egg into its long-term asset allocation this year. The painful part is buying back into a high market. I have started dollar-cost averaging into a higher equity allocation (consider yourselves warned: sell your stocks now). The bad news is I chickened out and only invested 2/3 of my monthly chunk. I did a spending analysis to confirm we are okay—it sucks a bit because we spend more than we should, but at least I know where we can tighten the belt if required.

Overall Report Card: B-

In the end, I’m giving myself a B-. This is a slight improvement, driven mainly by the fact that Padme and I have a unified plan, I’m sticking to a gym routine, and I’ve actually executed my first long-term investments. Both of those actions are critical to hitting my ultimate goals.

The grade will go higher once Padme’s work situation stabilizes into a new normal. Until then, we keep moving forward.

starting over – back to training for launch again