We all choose our paths based upon our own experiences. When we come to fork in the road our experience is how we decide on which path to take.  But there is more to it than just experience.  The “timing”  of the decision has to be right

I am a big believer in “Right Place, Right Time.” When Padme and I met, we were both ready for a serious relationship.  It doesn’t matter if you meet the perfect person if you are not both looking for the same thing. I’d had relationships before where the timing was off—either I wasn’t ready or they weren’t. 

But right now, as I look toward the exit door of my career, I’m realizing our timing is out of sync.

For Padme, she currently cannot see a path where she doesn’t work. It isn’t a financial issue; it’s an inner drive. To her, retiring in your early 50s just isn’t “what you do.” She is apprehensive about me retiring early, and I get it. I’ve found myself focused on one path, while she is firmly on another.

I think it comes back to our experiences or “scars.”

My desire to retire is tied to a broken career path. In 30 years, I’ve had fourteen jobs at thirteen companies. In Padme’s 25 years, she’s had four jobs at two companies—and she’s been at her current company for 21 years. Our careers are polar opposites.

 How could we look at retirement the same way?

For Vader, there is no trust. I’ve been trained that I’m at a company for a good time, not a long time. I am brought in to build or change a department. I have “itchy feet” by design. This lack of mutual love from the “Empire” has made me want off this twisty path. Every company is not that different from the last one. I’m tired of the same issues and  the same politics. Once I have “Enough,” I’m ready to hang up the cape. 

I know I can’t be fulfilled by the work I have been doing for 30 years. I don’t hate it, I am just done with it. My experience is showing me it’s time to take a different path.

Padme has the opposite view. She is passionate about her company. She has worked with these people for two decades; she likes her team. They are almost family in her eyes. But over time, her work-life balance has shifted from a healthy 50/50 split to something closer to 80/20. And not the good kind of 80.

Work occupies her first thoughts every day, all day. She couldn’t be a senior executive if it didn’t. But I’ve seen her pushed to “the edge” by the workload. She recovers, but once you’ve gone over that edge, the trauma is never far away when the schedule gets crazy again. Since Covid it has not let up for her.

This “Busyness” is a drug. When you’re in the flow—moving, shaking, being the “key cog” who gets shit done—it feels good. But busyness is like the proverbial frog in a pot. The adrenaline builds slowly until you’re boiling. You don’t notice it. If you jump out of the pot, you go from a hot tub to a snowbank. It’s a shock. You miss the rush.

I know, because I was her. Early in my career, I was the one working non-stop. Eventually, politics ended that job, which forced me out of the boiling pot. It took me years to change my perspective, and if I’m honest, I still miss the rush sometimes. It is a powerful drug.

I just expected that Padme would be running toward the retirement finish line with me. I’m realizing now that she doesn’t have an exit plan. I’ve been chasing this for 13 years; I follow the FIRE community and have been preparing mentally. She hasn’t had the space to imagine a life without the busyness. 

To be fair I am also 5 years older which is a long time in a working career. She will get more focussed on retiring when she gets to my age. 

But I also see the cracks showing from her work stress. I feel like I haven’t done enough to help her look ahead, and me leaving work just adds another stressor—not about money, but about whether I’ll be fulfilled. I can be a little moody and she suspects not working may make it worse.

I need to do a better job. I’ve planted seeds about “exit doors”—maybe slow traveling when our youngest hits college in three years—but looking that far ahead is hard for her. Her experience is ingrained.

And our experiences are how we make decisions.  My experiences make it easy, hers makes it hard 

I guess my new mission is to retire well and be a good example of what the “other side” looks like. I need to make her life easier while she figures it out on her own timeline. If spouses are misaligned going into this chapter, it goes poorly. Retirement can’t be a unilateral decision.

More work to do on this one.