Relationships are the “juice of life” is a phrase I have seen pop up a few times that has left an impression on me.

It means your happiness and fulfillment depends upon the quality and meaningfulness of the people who are part of your life. Truly living involves the richness of connection and shared experiences, and emotional intimacy with others.  

I think about this juice of life more and more as I think of retiring. I won’t lie it worries me a little. To retire well I need to take more action on finding my fruit to squeeze.

Friendship is a balancing act. I need both “light” and “deep” friendships

I can have lots of light friends or acquaintances that I see every so often. It is fun and a great distraction but the relationships would not be deep. It is almost like consumption, like watching Netflix. These friendships have there place and are a great way to decompress.

Could I call these people in the middle of the night if I needed to? Would we go on vacation and spend 24/7 together? Likely not.

I describe these type of relationships as a foot deep and a mile wide. There are a lot of different people in your life but none them have gotten important to you. If all my relationships are at this level I would be spread too thin with no real support network.

Don’t get me wrong these light relationships are important but are not enough if it is all I have.

The Deep Dive Then there are the deep relationships. Your spouse. A best friend or two. The people who know the true you. They know what the twitch of an eyebrow or clench of a jaw muscle means without words. There are very few filters put up when you are together.

These are the shoulders you cry on. The lives you share. The people you count on. The people who hopefully are part of your day to day or week to week life. These relationships I describe as a foot wide and a mile deep.

However, if you have too few of these deep relationships, you become too dependent on the ones you do have. It can be too much pressure on that person.

A great example of this is relying solely on your spouse. I admit I fall into this category more than I like. I am way too dependent on Padme (my wife). She is not only my rock but also the main social coordinator of my life. I don’t need to replace her; I kind of really like her. But this dependence isn’t fair to her. I need to figure out how to go deeper with other people as I head into retirement.

Lets put this in FIRE terms – I need to diversify my portfolio of relationships. Just as you wouldn’t put 100% of your assets in one stock, you shouldn’t put 100% of your social needs in one person. I need to find my index fund of emotional support. In financial terms, I am currently over-leveraged on a single asset (my wife)

In the end the message that resonates with me is that I need to do more to find more friends to hang out with. I need to find a larger tribe. The question is how.

Easier Said Than Done – A quick Google search for “early retirees” in my city of one million people mostly leads to ads for retirement homes. Dig a little deeper and you can find retiree groups, but the members are usually 10 to 15 years older than me. That’s okay, but I am really looking for people in the same situation that I am.

Online groups are easy to find, but the people are spread out across the country. I am looking for people I can hang out with—preferably in person on a regular basis.

The FIRE crowd holds events, and while I’ll check them out, looking at photos of these conferences reveals that most attendees seem to be in their 30s and 40s. They are at a different stage of life than I am. Plus, finding friends across the country is a lot like long-distance dating. You get some benefits, but you miss out on the proximity you actually need.

Going to FI events can add to life and relationships formed there can be important. But that only covers a week or two a year. I am looking for more frequent. I am looking for people who would pass the “call in the middle of night ” test.

I have to be careful of filtering for age rather than finding people who have time and similar other interests.

The Local Dilemma – Friendships need to be local to have time to become deeper. Sociologists suggest that proximity + frequency = friendship. This means I have to sacrifice finding “like-minded” people in favor of picking an activity with a larger number of interested folks that live close by.

To be honest, I don’t want to talk about FIRE or money that much anyway. I am supposed to be done with the money focus. It is a tool, not a life goal (I say this to convince myself over and over).

I do have a social group through church. While motivational, my relationships with the guys are fairly shallow because I’m the “old guy.” Their kids are toddlers; mine are deep in teenager-land. We have different priorities, as we should.

Can I cultivate deeper relationships with them? Maybe. But given their limited time, the juice might not be worth the squeeze.

It seems like I have the classic “Goldilocks” problem.  I’m too young for the bingo hall, too old for the diaper-changing dads.  I need to find “the just right” crowd.  

tasting 3 Bear soup after finding the Porridge too hot

Old Friends vs. Strangers – That leaves the door wide open. I will likely look into my past to reconnect with old school friends or work colleagues. But these tribes lack a common thread other than past nostalgia. For me, it’s about a tribe going forward.

Strangely, it feels easier to start with strangers. It’s easier to be open with someone I don’t know. Maybe it’s the lack of baggage or expectations. Maybe it’s because people present their best selves when the relationship is new and exciting. Or maybe because it is only a foot deep to start.

Retiring will be a new chapter. Maybe retirement really is about starting fresh which means new people to help make a break from my past. Old friends are important but going forward means new interest. New challenges. New people bring fresh perspectives.

The Action Plan – Social connection is a big part of whatever my “next thing” is. It’s on my countdown list as a key element I need to place before I retire. My pat answer when people ask me what I will do when I retire is to be more social. Now its time to figure out what that means.

I need to be pivoting from Accumulation Mode (gathering money) to Utilization Mode (spending time). This requires a different skillset. It requires the willingness to be the outgoing and driving connections. To not wait for it to come to me.

So, what am I going to do about it in the short term?

1. Reach out: Contact an old friend today to see them next week.Maybe get back to our old games of Chess.
2. Look for an amateur writers group. A new interest but likely just as small as FIRE. We will see.

Make it so.