Work is a big part of my social life, and I suspect that’s a common experience for most men. Many Articles discuss the difference between men and women and what makes their social lives tick.  Men are more dependent than women on work to be able to fill their social needs.  That the casual interactions between men at work give some of the same benefit of having friendships outside of work.

My wife can make lifelong friends in a few days.  From meeting the first time,  to trading text, to hugging when they see each other in a week or two. Women open up, they are vulnerable.  They let each other in. It allows them to bond quickly and deeply.

 Guys?  Well we grunt at each other and may shake hands. Some day.  Maybe.  

We just don’t open up the same way as women do.  This is why our friendships form slowly.  Unless men are slaying some dragon together or in some sort of intense competition, as teammates, it just takes a while to form a bond.  Work helps give us the common playing field , a topic to discuss, and space to bring us together.  The office makes it easier to form the first level of friendships.

I believed work was too much of my social life at my last “Death Star” (workplace).  I likely was the poster child for men who get their social needs met at work. Since Covid it’s no longer true for me.

For me work filled the friendship space in many ways.   At the last Death Star there would be 20 or so people I interacted with on a regular basis.  On a daily basis I would interact closely with 10.  I would do weekly lunch, over beer, with 3 to 4 of them and commiserate about life and work.  

It formed a majority part of the social life that I needed. 

When COVID hit, those friendships disintegrated quickly. We all started to work mainly from home.  The 20 person face to face talks became 2 to 3 people in the office.  Yes, I would talk to the others on Zoom and we even had Friday happy hours for a while.  But it wasn’t the same.  

Getting together over a screen  is not the same as face to face discussions. Eventually the happy hours fell to the side or people on the edge of the group stopped attending.  Over time it just stopped. I still cared for the people but no one was getting what they needed as we were no longer sitting across from each other in the cafeteria or just talking by the watercooler.

When COVID was over we stayed mostly in this remote world. I would see people from time to time when we showed up at work on the same day. Social bonds fray quickly when you only see a person 2 to 3 times a month.

Pre covid the in person social interaction at work led to “light friendships”.  Post covid the in person social interaction became minimal and the friendships just fell to the side.   I naturally starting caring less about people I saw on the screen.  I ended up focusing on the real people in your life.  “Social Distancing” taught us who we care to spend our time with.

At the new Death Star I am interacting with people who mainly work from home.  They are nice enough to deal with on the screen but the light bond stays really light.  For me I get a bond from working in person.  I don’t when it’s on the screen. 

There’s a tangible difference in how I treat people. I’m less likely to “choke” (or even just get annoyed by) a person when they’re in the room than when they’re on a screen. I have less patience when someone isn’t in the room. In some weird way, I don’t feel the same need to be nice or polite. When our interactions are by a screen, social norms and basic empathy seem to go out the window.

We treat each other differently when it’s on screen. Social norms go out the window.

My last job lasted close to 8 years.  There were people there that I felt really close too. As likely as close as any work friends I ever had.   The last 3 years of the 8 was in this new hybrid model.  When my last job ended I learned a big retirement lesson that surprised me.  

The 8 or 9 relationships from that job went down to 1 maybe 2 friendships within the 1^st month.  The people I interacted with were just gone. There were a few lunches here or there but as soon as the common topic of work disappeared the friendships just didn’t stand on their own 2 feet.   Did COVID contribute to how fast those friendships disappeared? Possibly as there was 3 years of less face to face routine    

I suspect I’m one of the last to realize how little people from work will stay in your life when you move on. 

 I originally thought the Covid retirement wave was due to people wanting to stay safe. If they could retire they did.  I now wonder how much of it could be contributed to the social bonds that went away in the work from home model.  That people just realized that work no longer filled the friendship needs.

So before COVID work filled most of my social needs.  Since COVID that has stopped.  The separation from my last job and the very surface level interaction at the new role has shown me that work cannot or should not fill the social bonds we all have.  Because it can be or will be gone as soon as the work is    

So that realization will make it easier to give up work. Whatever itch that got scratched for social interaction at work is no more in the current world.  We are being taught to care less about our coworkers, about our companies, and to focus more on ourselves.  It is likely not good for the company but for employees I can see the bright side.

You know what?  That’s a good thing.  It helps me realize how to reduce the importance of work and increase the importance of other areas in my life.  

Without COVID I don’t think I would have learned that lesson until I retired.   Even this oldish dog can still learn new tricks.  

But this realization has come with a new problem. Finding enough male friends.  Which I know are hard to make.  

The easy way is to find a common ground.  Pick up a sword. And fight some dragons together.  It just can’t be at work.  Or maybe a sport

Pickle Ball anyone?