Am I good or am I evil?  We always assume we are good.  That we have life figured out.  That it is easy. Our universe revolves around ourselves so of course we are good.  

The age old question of how much my identity is formed by work, I thought was an easy question.  Then I met some early retirees that opened my eyes on how I really feel. It made me think about the identity question in a different way.

I’ve read about how we go through an identity crisis when we retire.  The basic premise is that work makes up a big part of what we think about ourselves. Of who we are. Once you remove it a chunk of our identity goes with it.  We all have labels we use. I am a Doctor. I am an Engineer. I am a Bricklayer.  I am a Business Owner. I am a Trophy Husband. I am a Sith Lord.  Retire and these labels no longer fit.

When I think about retiring I dismiss the work Identify issue. It won’t affect me.  I don’t think I identify with my job that much. How could I when there have been 14 different jobs over my 27-year career?  I automatically think that because there has been so much change that retirement is just another one.

I tell myself I don’t identify with my job.  Been there, done that, leaving is easy.  Because I don’t care that much about what I do, it will just be easy for me when my last day arrives.  The logic side of me says I have moved so much that I don’t identify that strongly.

But it’s a half truth.

I don’t identify with any one company or any specific job at those companies.  I likely have learned not to think twice about the banner above the door of whatever company I walk into. I have been trained to know I won’t be there for long.  Different job titles, slightly different roles, someone else sending me money for my services.

Underneath it all there is a hidden part of me.  I do identify with my overall skillset.  I am good at what I do. I am a good senior manager.  I make good decisions.  I get the big picture and can make high and low level decisions.  I filter out the unimportant and focus on what matters in my day to day.  Regardless of the job, my mentally of the same crap different pile serves me well to get shit done.  All different jobs but my skillset translates well to all 14 roles. 

So I identify with my skillset, not really my job.  And when I stop walking into the job these skillsets will no longer be used.  So as much as I have fooled myself to think I don’t identify with my career there is a sneaky part of me that does.

So I thought I was good with regard to not having an identity crisis but I am likely not as good as I thought. I learned that this week by visiting friends.

And it came out in an evil way.

I met 3 guys who have retired in the last 2 years this last weekend.  Being eager to see how life is on the other side I took the opportunity to dig a bit.  One is my age (early 50s) and has been retired for 2 years. One is 6 months into retirement and is in his late 50s.  The other is just winding down part time work and is in mid to late 50s.  All great role models for me.  Guys who were good at their jobs and guys I respect and like. 

So I was asking them what they do with their time in a day or a week. I was expecting this long laundry list of what they are doing or who they are becoming.  About how fantastic their days were.  About how they had trouble squeezing everything in. About how great the other side is.  

I got the opposite feeling. I somehow found myself feeling sorry for them.  Whatever I expected their answers to be did not live up to what I had imagined.

The 1^st one, retired for 2 years, enjoys the outdoors and tinkers at his cottage 9 months of the year but has a hard time in the winter.  The freshly retired, 6 months in guy, golfs 6 days a week.  The other paddleboards 3 hours a day when it’s nice and travels 2 to 3 months a year.

Now the evil part. I was disappointed.  I felt bad for all 3 of them. 

I judged them. I wanted more and it sounded like what they were doing was boring. 

I compared the vision in my head of retirement to what they were doing. For me I feel like I need to rhyme off a list as long as my arm when it’s my turn to answer how I spend my time.  To show I am making the most of my retirement. That I am killing it. That I’m on fire

I compared their retirement to what I imagined mine would be.  I was looking for how they had changed their identity.

It is just like when you meet new people and the question comes out about what they do for a living.  Based upon their career there is some sort of ranking you do in your head of where you fit in the crowd.  Heart Surgeon – loaded and smart.  Lawyer – loaded and be careful what you say.  Teacher – Great pension and tough job.  It is like a pecking order.  Sadly this order is typically based upon money, status, or their size of Star Wars collectibles.. 

Bad Vader bad.

Judging or comparing as talked about in a previous post leads down the wrong path.  There is always someone better and someone worse. And we always end up looking upward and making ourselves feel bad.   This game provides no value to anyone. 

So my expectations are off on the identity question.  

Previously in my head the purpose of retirement is to forage a new identity that you want to talk about.  A retirement that’s impressive.  That compares to your job identity.  To replace it.  To compete with your own job identity but also other retirees.  To do this ranking.

And that is me missing the point of retiring. I was completely wrong, feeling bad for these guys. 

 It isn’t to replace the job identity with a retirement identity.  Retirement is about time. Time to expand, to explore, to try different parts of an identity if you choose to.  Time to pull back and be your true self.  Time to get off the treadmill. To. Just. Be.

It’s about time to golf 6 days a week if that is what you want to do.  It’s time to have no plans and to go with the flow.  It’s time to stop whatever competition you think you are part of.  There is no career ladder in retirement that determines a rank.  There is no winning and losing (except for the golf game).

Retirement is about having already won the game.  

Retiring means you no longer need to play anymore games.  So there is no 1^st place.  There is no more contest.  All Retirees are winners.  Regardless of what they are doing.

So for me it’s about being happy for others who have gone before.  It’s for making social connections with them.  It’s to pick up the golf clubs or paddle board and to enjoy myself.  To play.  

There is no other answer needed when someone asks you what you do.  I am retired. It’s the best answer.  It’s to associate it with, I won, lets play.  Time for a round with the guys?  I never lose.  Click below to see how our game went.

Darth Vader Plays Golf – YouTube