“I don’t care”.  Extremely dangerous words in almost every case.  When you attach them to work it’s a sign of danger ahead.  Once you catch this affliction it can be tough to shake.

Walking into the office today I had a case of the “I don’t Cares”.  I don’t care to be here.  I don’t care much about what I do.  I don’t really care about the company. I don’t care about the people who I interact with.

It’s tough to care when you never interact in person in this new hybrid work world.

 “I don’t care” is  a defense mechanism for me.  It allows me to disengage like most everyone else seems to do at work.  It’s tough to care when you don’t think anyone else does. If it goes on too long it builds upon itself until my work starts suffering.  That is not good three months into my current stint at this Death Star.

This is definitely a sign to look at retiring.  

But there is a problem.  A  big one

Not caring about work puts me in a bad mood.  It makes me care less about what is going on in life in general .  I don’t care to be at the office working but I also care less about being at home and not working.  If I was not here at the office right now would I be caring more at home?  

For me it’s like a switch.  When you are engaged, life is better. When you care at work you start caring more about life outside of work.  When you don’t care 8 hours a day it turns off other parts of your life.  It’s like you are in a partial fog that you can’t really wake up from.  It dampens life.  It makes it more gray.  After spending a workday going through the motions, unengaged, the rest of life also becomes boring in a way .

I seem to be an all or nothing guy.  If I am engaged in something for a big part of the day, regardless if it’s work, then I am engaged the whole day.  Adversely if work is slow and I don’t care it bleeds over into the rest of the day. I get in a slow mode and just can’t turn it back on.

The question is how to segregate this work disease. To separate it from the rest of the day. To contain it.  We all  need something in life to look forward to on a daily basis. And I don’t mean just waking up and not going to work.  I mean something that is exciting, that you care about. Without thinking about it. 

I can’t plan to throw the Care switch some day in the future. The momentum is tough to break.  Momentum builds upon itself.  If I don’t care today there is a good chance I won’t care tomorrow.  If that happens it can easily become a week.  Then months. 

When disengaged today the muscle weakens and is hard to turn it back on. Planning to “care” sometime in the future is planning to lift a heavy weight after not working out for years. 

When is the future to turn that caring switch back on? The day I retire? I will miss so much life until then if that is the case. You don’t schedule an emotional switch.  Emotions don’t work like that for me.   

I am guessing but I think a portion of the FIRE community is affected by lack of caring.    They seem to hate their jobs. Retiring early is the path to escape.  They may be pushing “caring” down the road to a future date.  And it is dangerous.  It affects you mentally.     If you hate your job it affects so much of your life. The longer the retirement date is in the future the more mental suffering you are signing up for.

I have used the “I don’t care” mentally about work a lot in the past 5 years.  And it has turned the juice of life down. It is easy for others to know when I don’t care.  It spills over to my energy levels. People can tell what mood you are in. Disengaged throws off a cloud. The spark is missing from you.

Now that I have a date to retire I need to start planning for something to care about. I can’t leave it up to chance because the caring muscle has weakened in these 5 years. The best thing would be to find excitement in my work. I need to find the purpose. I need to be happy working. Not just waiting for it to be over.

My ever changing career likely has hardened me to change. Made it easy to not care. To disengage.  That disengagement needs to be flipped. If I don’t start caring before I retire then I am potentially looking at a few too many dark periods.  

Ironically it doesn’t take much to turn the caring back on. It’s just doing something. Anything.  At work it can just be some trivial task like data analysis.  Yes, exciting sounding I know.  It’s just doing.  It doesn’t matter what.  Doing turns the care factor up. From a 3 to a 4. Then do something else. Now I am at a 5. I care more as long as I am engaged.

For me “Do” is the hero and “Do not ” is the villain. I need more “Do” in life.  “Do” sets the attitude of the day.  Do gets you moving and interacting with life. And there are bonus points when “doing” with others.  It combines the much needed social aspect with the much needed caring.   They work together. 1+1 = 3

“Do Not” is like sitting on a couch eating bon bons, doom scrolling, feeling bad about yourself. You resist making plans or doing anything. All mental greyness.

Yoda had it right.  There is only Do or Do not.   

It comes down to momentum.  What ever state you find yourself in, it is easy to stay in that state. If you are in a dark side moment, like the I don’t cares, it is so easy to stay there.

I think Newton must have been struggling with retirement when he came up with his first law.  

The first part of his Law states “If an object is at rest, it will stay at rest unless an unbalanced force acts upon it”.  Restated in retiree terms, if I sit on the couch I will stay on the couch until Padme kicks me in the ass. 

The second part states “An object in motion tends to stay in motion unless an external force acts upon it”. Restated in retiree terms, If I am out and about and having fun I will stay that way until I am forced or need to do anything that is unexciting.

Hiding out from life led to unforeseen scientific breakthroughs 

I find momentum incredibly important to be aware of for managing my happiness.  Staying active and busy leads me to being happy.   It’s to find this state and to keep feeding it.   It goes counter intuitive to my lack of planning gene so I need to focus on it. 

It is to recognize what state I am in, positive or negative, and to actively work to turn up the light side. If positive, keep going, do more, don’t stop. If negative get up and go to the gym. Schedule a coffee with a positive friend. Start a project at home.

Just Do it.   

Time to find my Doers support group.