I have a confession to make.  I have been focussed on being retired more than being “retired”. 

What?

For years I have talked about not needing to work some day with my friends.  About stopping.  The whole focus was on not working.  To have “enough” to not work.  More running away from work then running to retirement

 Was I obsessive like some in the FIRE world? No.  By that I mean I didn’t focus on the traditional path of minimizing all spending.  The income coming in was growing enough to live a typical life and still be on a somewhat early retirement path. I am extremely fortunate with how well the Empire has rewarded myself and Padme (my wife).

But my close friends are likely tired of hearing about me retiring some day.  Heck I am tired of hearing me speak about it. 

I remember the first time a friend called me out.  It was close to 15 years ago when I was in my late 30s.  She basically called me out for not focusing on living.  That I was not in the  present.  Here I was visiting her at her new place across the country and I was wasting our time together talking about retiring some day. 

She was right.

Why did I have such a focus so long ago?  It’s likely partly due to my career arc.  I have been mainly tied into the High Tech world in one way or another.  That has been a somewhat tough career to be part of due to the nature of the industry.    By the time I had hit age forty I had worked at 11 jobs, across 10 companies, in 5 different cities. Not a great average.  Since then there has been 3 more jobs at 3 companies in 12 years. Thankfully all in 1 city.

No grass grew under my feet early in my career.   Some of the job movement was due to life circumstances, some of it was for a better job, some of it was due to a companies business collapsing.  Of the first 10 companies I worked for 4 of them no longer exist due to bankruptcy, 1 pivoted to a completely different unrelated business to survive, and 1 is a shell of its formal self. 

In the 12 years one of the three companies I worked at has also gone bankrupt.  I always said people in high tech, if they are still in it, have been hanging on by their fingernails on the edge of a cliff.  Its looks like it could be even worst going forward with the all consuming A.I. world.

High Tech is stressful for sure but it comes with the bonus of a higher pay.

So some of this learned job insecurity definitely played into my early focus on getting the “Hell out of Dodge” and to retire early.  It likely drove some of my behavior with regard to saving money and to staying out of debt.  It served me well in the first half of my career

But it doesn’t serve me anymore

This focus on not needing to work has done nothing for what I will do when I am retired.  And it is getting worse.

There is the savings number to hit, there is the date.  I think about it too much every day  It’s the wrong thing.  It does not help me at all.   It’s just a toy I like to watch. To turn over and over in my mind. I am not really thinking what I will do in retirement.   It’s still just a fantasy. 

My path is mainly set and it doesn’t matter much on any external factors.   My focus needs to be on being “retired” not on getting there.  

What will I do? What choices will I make? What fun am I planning?  What will be my structure? 

Without defining this it’s like I have a predefined date for a major Dark side event coming up.  Choice and lack of structure leads me to a bad space. If I don’t understand what I will do in the first few months out of work then the happiness factor will shrink.

I really need to focus on the what and not the when. 

I have a limited time to figure it out.  It should be priority Number #1.  It should be developing the habits or hobbies that will fill my time.  Engage in the social networks and relationships that I want to grow.  Start them now.  At least list them, research them and plan for them before I get there.

What is my system for retirement?  Is it the exercise junkie trying to run marathons – likely not.  But I used to enjoy running.  How about a gym rat? I know I should but I have not gotten to the enjoying part of it.  Social life?  Find the communities now 

My main point here is to get off my ass and plan for the retired part.  The successful retired people have a plan or are busier than they ever thought.  It doesn’t just happen.  

One thing I do know is I only have so much mental energy in a day.  The obsession on a number or a date takes some of that energy.  It takes away from what I could be doing to get ready.

And the painful part is I know it.  The logic side knows I am wasting energy focussed on the number.  The emotional side still gets stuck thinking about it over and over. I become a little too much like Gollum (click below link)

Instagram (Darth Vader and his Precious ). 

So I will stop talking about it with my friends.  I don’t need to see their eyes roll back in their heads.  I am in a place of privilege based upon where we are as a family.  My younger friends or less fortunate ones probably think I am a pompous ass at this point.  My obsession is not theirs. 

And the goal is to have more friends – not less.  Turning off my friends is the opposite of what I am supposed to be doing

So that leads to another reason for this rambling.  It is to extend an olive branch to people who want to talk about it.  Find the other clones who like this world.  Find the community that accepts this conversation.  To try to fit in.