Optimist, Pessimist – Light Side, Dark Side.  Happy, Sad. Ecstasy, Depression.  It’s a scale with lots of grey in between.

As humans we all struggle with mental health.  And it affects life.  Either through nature or nurture people typically fall on one side of the emotional scale.  I would say I would spend more time in the shade than I do in the sunshine.  At times deeper in the shade then I should.  

Another way I have heard it is that we have a Happiness Baseline.  On a baseline of 1 to 10 we all have a starting number.  And that our emotions float a few numbers up or down.    If I am a 5, my emotional state moves from 3 to 7. With 5 as a baseline I likely won’t ever go to a 10.  

Some happy people, on their worst days are a 6, normally an 8, and go to a 10.  Only people who really know them, know they are miserable when they are 6.   My midpoint is a 5.  And although my scale goes from 3 to 7 it doesn’t automatically mean I spend most of my time in the middle at 5.

The Light happy times take me to a 7, are fantastic, carefree, and happen when you least expect it.  They can have an after glow.  But if left to their own, they seem fleeting.  If there is not enough effort to cultivate or to look for the light times they can be few and far between.  

The Darkness is different. It seems to stalk you.  It seems to be close at all times.  Just waiting for something small to happen, for something insignificant, for some weakness and then it takes over.  And unlike the Light it is not fleeting. 

Light will come and go quickly like a visitor.  Darkness moves into the house with packed bags. Darkness lingers.  It suppresses your effort to get out of it.  You can wallow in it.  Eventually it will pass on its own but it can leave an impression that takes a while to fade away.  

That’s one of the big differences between Light and Dark.  Light is a party with friends that is great for a few hours.  Darkness becomes a roommate.  I can be a 5 and go to 7 for a few hours or even days but I likely spend more time at 3 due to the stickiness or nature of the dark side.  Yes, my range is 3 to 7.  But I spend more time at 4 then I do at 6 due to the nature of the dark vs light 

A great way to stay on the light side is having structure in your day.    A career is a great way to do this.  Go to work, get some stuff done, visit with co-workers, have some laughs, go to the gym, cook some meals, play with friends on weekends, and repeat. There are not many choices of what to do.  It does not leave space to stay on the dark or light side too long.  Structure is your friend.

From the time we are born to the time we retire there is a built in structure.  Go to school, go to college, get married, get a job, have kids, save some money and retire.  And then the time is yours.  To decide what you want to do.  

Retirement takes away forced structure. There is nothing defined in front of you or for you. It’s up to you to make choices. That can be a problem. The Paradox of choice can lead to the dark side.  Having unlimited choice is hard.

Time on your hands is not something we are use to based upon 50 years of training.   Without structure your focus can go where it wants.  And if you don’t control your focus, the dark moments will expand because this new lack of structure is unfamiliar new territory.

Retirement is defined by the lack of structure. It’s what we think we want.   Retirement is all about choice. Choice is tough if you allow it to be

One of the darkest times came early in my career was when I had infinite choice. It was 1999 to 2000.  I had picked my first stock to invest in.  I got in right before the stock market took off.  And I had invested my life savings.  I had a 20-bagger in 1 year.  For a 27-year-old who had more money than he ever dreamed of, it gave me infinite choice.

It made me miserable.  I didn’t know what I wanted. At all.  So with no plans I watched my 20 bagger shrink back to where I started over the next few years.  

It was a dark time when you got what you thought you dreamed about, you can do whatever you want, and there were no answers. Unlimited choice had the opposite effect on me; the Dark Side.

So choices for me can cause Darkness.  And my FIRE or retirement can take me back there if I don’t watch out.  It is different this time around as there is now Padme and not so small JEDIs around.  But I still have lots of choices.

 I was off for 3 months due to a layoff thinking I was retired.  But I had no structure.  I thought I was ok with little to no plans.  But the impression I was giving Padme and some friends was that I was on deep in the shade.  

The one thing I know about the Dark Side is that it radiates.  It doesn’t matter if you are going through the motions and thinking you are hiding it, that no one can tell.  They can. It doesn’t matter if you are fooling yourself.  

With me when I am deep on the dark side everyone can sense it.  It affects people around me. The Force is strong in that one.   

So as I have gone back to work I am still pretty deep in the dark side.  People have sensed it get stronger. I have sensed it too.  And it’s not about the work.  And it’s not about the structure I now have. 

It’s about logic and emotion opposing each other.  

The logical side of me said taking a decent high paying job for 1 to 2 years was the right thing to do.  Big bills are coming up with JEDIs leaving for the post secondary JEDI Academy in the next 2 years. Me working for the empire gets Padme (my wife) closer to retiring herself if she wants too (Padme is younger by 5 years).  

But the Emotion side. The Emotion side was done with work. It’s pissed, it’s angry.  And anger is a path to the dark side. 

 The Emotion side had been reading FIRE (Financial Independence, Retire Early) blogs forever about this day and it knows we do not need to work.  The Emotion side wanted to see what the next chapter is.  The Emotion side is ready to move on. It’s gone Darker with going back to work. 

But the logic side has committed me to 1 to 2 years.  Why?  It is likely due to lack of retirement plans.  I didn’t get ahead of it.  My 3-month retirement practice was due to a layoff so it was sudden.  I went to no structure.  I thought I was ready, Padme definitely was not ready for me to be off, and the JEDIs I was setting an example for likely did not know what to think.

So I definitely am on the Dark Side right now.  And knowing that I am there is a start.  In hindsight, in a month or two the job might end up being the best thing for me.  Because it will remind me to get off my ass and find my structure for retirement.  To act. To conquer. To throat choke

Watch out retirement